If you read enough Trash Skunk, you'll notice that I often take a harsh tone when it comes to Americans. I'm quick to point out their low-brow tastes, their ignorance of the outside world, and, as often as not, I like to make fun of their weight. Yet I am an American. I live in America. I love America. And I could stand to lose a pound or two myself. So why do I give this country and its citizens so much shit? In this article I will try to explain this curious contradiction of mine.
Honestly I don't know what it means either. I just didn't want to draw 50 stars.
A Traveler's Tale
I spent some time in Ireland a few years back. I'd been to the country before, and was delighted to find myself there once again, visiting friends and otherwise escaping my life at home. At some point on this trip I decided to take a bus to Dublin and explore the famous Guinness brewery, figuring that since I love drinking, this would be like a visit to the Vatican for me.
For those who don't know, the Guinness tour is roughly an hour of learning more than you ever wanted to know about malting, roasting, barley, and hops, followed by a trip to a bar at the top of an observation deck. It was here, I was told, that I would be served a free pint of Guinness. So I took the tour. I sat through all the talk about grain and boilers and copper tubes and all the other shit they use to make beer. Whatever - I just wanted that pint.
But when I got to this observation deck, I found it swarming with college-aged American men. I should have guessed as much - these vermin can smell a free beer across the Atlantic as easily as I can. It must be in our blood. I was disappointed, honestly. I didn't come all the way to Ireland just to drink with Americans.
Yet things were about to get worse. Because within minutes a chant of "USA! USA!" started from some of the drunkest visitors, and it soon overtook the entire bar. Nearly twenty of these red-faced collegiate turds were pounding tables, shouting along, and making an excessive display of American patriotism... all at the top of the Guinness brewery in Dublin, Ireland, where no one gives one iota of a shit about this sort of thing.
My feeling in this moment was worse than catching my parents having sex. It was more like catching my parents having sex with a shaved, captive ape, and having that ape lock eyes with me as a single blue tear rolls down its cheek.
"I can't believe I'm related to these monsters" was the gist of this feeling.
To say this display of tone-deaf, obnoxious, ugly American behavior ruined my beer would be an understatement. I think it actually ruined my day. Maybe even my life. And as I lay in bed that night, I thought about the poor Irish workers in that bar; how they had to grin and bear such abuse, pretend it was funny, possibly even pour more Guinness for these animals and endure another round of chanting. The only comfort I had was knowing that Irish barkeeps are more than used to dealing with boisterous drunks, for obvious reasons.
But even as I consoled myself with this fact, there was a lingering shame I could not escape: these were my people. These were Americans.
Blood is Thicker Than Micheladas
Belonging to a country is like having an extended family - you might technically love everyone, but that doesn't necessarily mean you like them. When your cousin Tito shows up drunk on micheladas and allows his un-neutered pit bull to defecate in your yard, you probably wish you weren't related to him. At the very least, you might have notes about how Tito can improve his behavior and become a better cousin. Eventually, you may even take to verbally abusing Tito if he doesn't change his act.
America is my cousin Tito. I have to keep inviting him around because we're related, and my grandmother would be upset if I disowned him. But goddammit I can't stand that guy sometimes.
Following this metaphor, we all have a special right to criticize our families in a blunt tone that we wouldn't tolerate from outsiders. For example, you can call your brother a "fucking loser", but if someone at work told you that's what he was, you'd be insulted.
Similarly, it is my birthright to be harsh with my fellow countrymen and the United States itself - its history, government, politics, culture, standing in the world, etc. Nobody can take that away from me. I was born here and I pay my taxes. These two facts alone give me the ability to speak freely and often cruelly about Americans. And I intend to use that right.
What's The Problem?
America is really two countries jammed into one. Yes, we could subdivide it infinitely if we wanted to (gay America, Christian America, black America, etc.), but the most important division is really what I'll call the "Former Confederacy" and its counterpart, the "Old Republic". These are the two factions that gave us our first civil war, and it's no coincidence that they're the same belligerents that nearly had it out again in 2020. This is quite telling. It suggests that despite hundreds of years of history, these two versions of America have never really coalesced into one, and have only been coexisting in a type of begrudging partnership of necessity and convenience.
What are the primary differences between these two Americas? They're easy to distinguish.
One America sees itself as a nation of immigrants, and feels that anyone who lands on our shores is welcome and tolerated as long as they aren't calling soccer "football". This America believes in freedom of (and from) religion, and advocates for a secular government where the rules are completely made by men. No bible stuff here.
This America also believes the government exists for the benefit of the people, and is fundamentally a friendly entity, for the simple reason that it is made up of the country's freely elected citizens. Thus the government is an expression of the people's will, and not some tyrannical third-party regime that holds dominion over them. In this view, the government's job is to protect its citizens, maintain order, and keep the socioeconomic playing field as level as possible, so that free markets can do their work in a way that doesn't screw over the little guy.
This America values diversity, fairness, and tolerance - but most importantly, it knows that it has not yet achieved any of these, and must continuously work harder to do so. This America is what I have termed "The Old Republic", because it traces all of its ideals back to the founding fathers and the constitution.
The other side of America believes the country is fundamentally a Christian nation where white protestant men are in firm control. In this model, everyone else technically has rights, but those rights are different depending on what each individual looks like, what they believe, who they love, or where they come from.
This America believes in small government (except for the military, which is deified and spent upon lavishly), because it sees government as an outside oppressor, an agent whose stringent rules encroach upon the freedom of the people. In place of government, this America prefers for private industry to handle everything, believing that pure human greed and a profit incentive are the proper tools for fixing society's ills.
Culturally, this second America takes an interest in jingoism, nationalism, military worship, guns, chain restaurants, and unfunny comedy, sometimes committed by puppets. If you haven't guessed, this second America is the "Former Confederacy".
I do not associate this second group of Americans with the historical Southern Confederacy lightly. I do so because they've earned this label, and are even proud of it. After all, these are the Americans who lament the removal of Confederate statues in public parks - monuments to men who put their lives on the line to protect the institution of slavery. There should be no interest in memorializing these men. Yet strangely many of us seem to think there is a fun sort of nostalgia here that is worth preserving.
Like it or not, the ideals of the failed Southern Confederacy are very much alive in many American hearts. So to be clear: it is these Americans - and this America - that I take such joy in viciously deprecating. These are the prideful mobility scooter operators who loudly evangelize America while simultaneously harboring an affinity for the treasonous collection of racists who tried to destroy it.
What's To Be Proud Of, Anyway?
Pride is a strange thing. It's one of the Seven Deadly Sins, sometimes called the worst of them because it's considered the root of all the others. And yet in the United States we are raised to be "proud Americans", as if we had any choice in the matter. We're encouraged to be arrogant about simply being born here, about having membership in some exclusive club that we did not apply to. This is fine, I guess. But I've always felt that pride should be reserved for personal accomplishments. "I built a shed" or "I learned to play the guitar" seem like more appropriate reasons to be proud of oneself.
Being proud to be an American is like being proud to have brown hair or a club foot. "I came out of someone's vagina on this piece of turf sometime in the 1980s, and this is my most profound accomplishment. I have the honor of breathing the same rarified air as others in my completely accidental position, and I shall form my identity around this."
Okay, weirdo.
It's easy to mock, but in reality I know that pride in America is less a personal issue and more like the pride one gets from affiliation with a winning sports team. And in this respect, America does have plenty to be proud of. We went to the moon, we're the world's oldest democracy, we invented hamburgers or whatever, and everyone loves Tom Hanks. We were also famously on the right side of that whole Nazi dust-up in the 1940s (although many Americans are now reconsidering their stance on this issue).
Most importantly (and I'm being serious here), America guarantees a level of freedom to individuals, the press, and private enterprise that has made us the most powerful nation on Earth. So if one is the "pride-by-affiliation" type (and willing to overlook a native holocaust and the Fast & the Furious franchise) there's plenty to be proud of.
But what's odd to me is the most prideful Americans - the ones who wear flag t-shirts, call themselves patriots, and fetishize the military - often seem to be the most regressive and conservative among us. They have absolutely zero interest in perfecting our system, moving it forward, or fixing the parts that are broken. These people are resting on the laurels of past successes, as if everything is already perfect just because we won some world wars and invented the Snuggie.
In other words, these "patriots" are pleased with the historical highs but can't be bothered to address present lows. This would be like Lebron James showing up to a Lakers game only to chill on the bench and screw with his iPhone the whole time. "The Lakers have a great legacy, we're the forever champs, I'm good. No need to play today."
Nobody would accept this from Lebron, and we shouldn't accept it from ourselves. If our greatest achievements took place in our grandparents' generation (and they did) we've got big problems. I have zero interest in harping on World War 2 while we have broken healthcare and education systems, and remain committed to an outdated, dirty power grid as the world leaves us in the dust with clean energy. We are decidedly not the champs in these departments.
This is why I find American nationalism so lazy, pathetic, and worthy of my scorn - it's coasting on someone else's fumes. We're behaving, essentially, as if Jaden Smith became a country. Everybody knows what our famous dads did, but their achievements don't roll over onto us. We're just obnoxious little shits with inherited brand recognition.
Humility
I'm hard on Americans because many of us simply deserve it. People who coast on the accomplishments of others, who shove their pride and arrogance in other people's faces, and who genuinely believe themselves to be God's gift to mankind while simultaneously being the fattest, stupidest, laziest idiots in the room, deserve harsh criticism.
I hate the USA chants. I hate the flag t-shirts. I hate the "Back to Back World War Champions" bumper stickers. In my opinion, the way you should act as an American (especially if you truly believe America to be the best country on Earth) is to show a little humility. Winners don't have to brag. Winners don't have to chant things or convince anyone that they're winners. If you're really the best at something, everyone already knows.
But, as you probably suspect, I don't think the US is the best country in the world. My reasoning here is simple: I've been to other countries. There's a lot of great ones. Many of them do things better than us, and at the very least none of them have Matt Gaetz working in government.
A sobering fact Americans should get familiar with is that there is no such thing as the best country on Earth. That whole concept is pitifully American to begin with. Everything is a competition to us, everything is a race to the top, and everyone who isn't number one is a loser. So of course we view ourselves as the best. How could we not, given the conditions of our psychosis? What we're failing to see is that other countries don't have this childish outlook, and it has allowed them to cultivate societies that are more mature and capable than our own, in many ways.
America is like a guy wearing a t-shirt with his own face on it who only wants to discuss how he's the best at everything. Do you want to have lunch with that person? No, of course not. But unfortunately for me, that guy is my roommate. No - he's actually my brother, which is why I speak to him in such a blunt, critical fashion. I know goddamned well he's not the best at everything, and I'm happy to point it out to him because I'm sick of his peacocking.
But don't let me confuse you. I don't take a harsh tone with Americans out of spite. I do it out of love. I do it because I feel like a coach watching his star player not perform to their potential. I know we can do anything we put our minds to in this country, but I see us wasting valuable time and resources on stupidity, undeserved pride, and manufactured grievances. We are getting annihilated in industries we used to dominate. We are not living up to our social contracts with one another. We are not behaving like the "best country in the world", we're happy just to wear the t-shirt.
I guess I'm just mean to Americans because I believe in them. I love them deep down, so much so that I must continue to point out what rude, arrogant, uncultured shits they can be. I do this because I think they need to hear it from someone in the family. It's loving criticism delivered with a whip, because Americans can be so thick-headed that I don't think they'll hear it any other way.
And, honestly, I just find it hysterical. What writer wouldn't seize the opportunity to skewer such a ripe target? I mean just look at these people:
Come on. I probably could have just skipped the article and showed you the pictures. I rest my case.
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